This is the hardest entry I've had to write so far.

Ryan took me to Cumberland's tonight (well, technically, last night, I guess, but it's still tonight to me), and afterward, we hooked up with a bunch of the gang at the Galleria, (oh, btw, we saw Gordo outside the theatre with this girl named Vanessa, a sophomore--thumbs up, Gordo!, she's very classy), and then from there, Ryan and I went with this other couple to the Bean, and Ryan left me alone with these two (they were friends of his from his old school) while he went over to one of the terminals in the corner and checked his email. It was close to 1 when we left, and on the way home, we stopped on The Landing. For you guys listening in from out of town, The Landing is this make out site. And I know I'm setting myself up to be teased mercilessly at school, by putting this on, but I swear, all we've ever done is kiss and touch, and that's it, I swear.

Okay, I've tried typing this three times, and I keep chickening out and backspacing over it. You have to understand, this is very hard for me, and sometimes, I wish the only people who read my blog were people who didn't really know me. I'm not going to go into any graphic detail, would never talk about it except with L&G (Gordo, call me if you want), but I've got to put my feelings down on paper. At one point, we were kissing pretty heavy, and he started to try to unbuckle my belt. I stopped him, and said that wasn't going to happen. I mean, I don't care that we're "soulmates," and I don't care how much he "loves me," and I don't care that his "needs" are stronger than mine or any other $#!+, but he's not getting below the belt. I mean, I didn't say all that to him, but, you know, I thought it. And I made it clear we weren't going there.

Well, he apologized, and said he was stupid, and that he wasn't thinking straight, and he just loved me so much, and so on. And I told him I wasn't mad (and I wasn't, I dunno, there's something nice about being wanted, I guess), but we had to be straight up, and I wasn't ready for that, wasn't even close. And so, we were kissing some more, and it was so much...I dunno, just so much. Guys, he's the best kisser, ever. And I was just trying to keep up. I couldn't catch my breath, and before I knew it, he was tugging at my belt again. So, this time, I did get mad.

I told him I was tired, and I didn't feel well, and I wanted to go home. And he acted like he was mad at me. Like, what did he have to be mad at me about? When he started his car, the clock on the dash flashed a great big honkin "2:39", and I closed my eyes and thought "crap." My curfew is 1, and I was okay with stopping at The Landing for a while, and getting in at 1:30. My mom would hear me, but she'd let it slide. But 2:30? Almost 3? On the way home, he kept wanting to talk, but I told him we'd talk tomorrow. When we pulled up in the driveway, I could see the den light was on, and my heart almost stopped. He wanted to walk me to the door, but I was petrified my dad would attack us on the porch, so I told him no. He asked me for a kiss, and I wasn't as mad at him anymore (I was too scared to be mad), but I couldn't let daddy see me kiss him, so I told him I'd see him tomorrow, and we could talk. I did tell him that I love him, though. (And I do, but I'm just confused right now.)

When I went in, my dad was right there, waiting on me. It was bad, guys. He was steaming. I've never seen him like that. But it's not his fault. I've never stayed out with a boy until 3 a.m., either. Well, except for Gordo, but he doesn't count. He kept saying, "What are you doing with a boy, that you need to be out at 3 in the morning?" My mom was sitting at the kitchen table, but she didn't say anything to interfere (or defend me). I kept telling him we didn't do anything, that I would never let a boy do anything bad with me, but it felt so much like he didn't believe me, and guys, that hurt way more than Ryan trying to get in my pants after I told him no. I mean, to see him lose faith in me, when all along, all night long, I was trying to do the right thing. And I couldn't tell daddy that I had fought Ryan off, or he'd never let us see each other again. So I started bawling. I begged him to believe me, that nothing happened, that nothing was going to happen. The worst thing in that whole night, was seeing them disappointed in me, and other than miss my curfew, I didn't do anything wrong! Guys? Did I?

He finally calmed down, but when he said he was disappointed, I just sat at the kitchen table, crying. It all ended with me being grounded, for two weeks.

No Friday nights with Lizzie and Gordo.

No band practice.

No Ryan (although he wasn't forbidding me from ever laying eyes on Ryan again, Ryan had to come over and have a long talk with all three of us before I could go out with him).

Oh, and I'll be spending Valentine's at home. My very first time to actually have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day.

Well, I guess I've really learned my lesson, huh?

I don't see why you'd be mad at your boyfriend, just cause he wants to screw. I mean, that's what boyfriends do, right?

Sometimes it sounds like you don't realize how hot you are, or something. I mean you're drop-dead gorgeous, babe, and your boyfriend would be a fag, if he DIDN'T try to pound that.

So, cut him some slack, he didn't do anything wrong.

And cut yourself some slack, too. First of all, you didn't do anything wrong, either. And second, get used to guys trying to bed you, cause if I lived in California, I'd jump on it.

Posted 2/13/2005 at 6:19 AM by dontask

And what lesson is that, Randy? Don't fall for a guy? Don't stick to your principles? Or don't accidentally lose track of time and stay out past your curfew?

Listen. Don't beat yourself up too bad, kid. You're not the only one this has ever happened to. You'll get through it.

Love ya,
Candy

Posted 2/13/2005 at 7:59 AM by candyissweeter

You sound like a tease, to me.

Posted 2/13/2005 at 8:07 AM by troublemaker

You creeps don't know Miranda. You don't know anything about her.

Since you're slow, let me explain it to you. She told him no, and he thinks he can just kiss her, and she'll cave in and spread her legs. She got mad at him, because he showed her ZERO respect.

But I wouldn't expect you to understand how to treat a girl, since you spend all your time hunched over a keyboard in a tiny dark room, with just a can of beer and your hand to keep you company.

Miranda, don't you have a way to delete comments from these creeps? Isn't there a Creep-Delete button, or something?

And I understand that you can't come over here, but can I come see you?

Posted 2/13/2005 at 10:18 AM by pwk_lilsis

You'd "jump on it"? You'd jump on what, exactly?

I guess it's a good thing you don't live in Cali.

Posted 2/13/2005 at 10:50 AM by bethanybear

dontask,

There you are! I've been looking all over for you.

I was thinking of you, when I designed my avatar.

Posted 2/13/2005 at 10:59 AM by onetoomany

First off, Lizzie's right, you jokers don't know what you're talking about, so shut the fuck up.

But, Lizzie, sometimes, you don't know what you're talking about, either.

I show Miranda plenty of respect. So, if you're not willing to help, then just butt out.

Posted 2/13/2005 at 3:17 PM by iblong2u

This is between you and me.

Attacking Lizzie is not going to solve our problem, so don't go there.

I'm ready to talk, if you want to call me.

Posted 2/13/2005 at 3:22 PM by mirandasworld