This is the hardest entry I've had to write so far.

Ryan took me to Cumberland's tonight (well, technically, last night, I guess, but it's still tonight to me), and afterward, we hooked up with a bunch of the gang at the Galleria, (oh, btw, we saw Gordo outside the theatre with this girl named Vanessa, a sophomore--thumbs up, Gordo!, she's very classy), and then from there, Ryan and I went with this other couple to the Bean, and Ryan left me alone with these two (they were friends of his from his old school) while he went over to one of the terminals in the corner and checked his email. It was close to 1 when we left, and on the way home, we stopped on The Landing. For you guys listening in from out of town, The Landing is this make out site. And I know I'm setting myself up to be teased mercilessly at school, by putting this on, but I swear, all we've ever done is kiss and touch, and that's it, I swear.

Okay, I've tried typing this three times, and I keep chickening out and backspacing over it. You have to understand, this is very hard for me, and sometimes, I wish the only people who read my blog were people who didn't really know me. I'm not going to go into any graphic detail, would never talk about it except with L&G (Gordo, call me if you want), but I've got to put my feelings down on paper. At one point, we were kissing pretty heavy, and he started to try to unbuckle my belt. I stopped him, and said that wasn't going to happen. I mean, I don't care that we're "soulmates," and I don't care how much he "loves me," and I don't care that his "needs" are stronger than mine or any other $#!+, but he's not getting below the belt. I mean, I didn't say all that to him, but, you know, I thought it. And I made it clear we weren't going there.

Well, he apologized, and said he was stupid, and that he wasn't thinking straight, and he just loved me so much, and so on. And I told him I wasn't mad (and I wasn't, I dunno, there's something nice about being wanted, I guess), but we had to be straight up, and I wasn't ready for that, wasn't even close. And so, we were kissing some more, and it was so much...I dunno, just so much. Guys, he's the best kisser, ever. And I was just trying to keep up. I couldn't catch my breath, and before I knew it, he was tugging at my belt again. So, this time, I did get mad.

I told him I was tired, and I didn't feel well, and I wanted to go home. And he acted like he was mad at me. Like, what did he have to be mad at me about? When he started his car, the clock on the dash flashed a great big honkin "2:39", and I closed my eyes and thought "crap." My curfew is 1, and I was okay with stopping at The Landing for a while, and getting in at 1:30. My mom would hear me, but she'd let it slide. But 2:30? Almost 3? On the way home, he kept wanting to talk, but I told him we'd talk tomorrow. When we pulled up in the driveway, I could see the den light was on, and my heart almost stopped. He wanted to walk me to the door, but I was petrified my dad would attack us on the porch, so I told him no. He asked me for a kiss, and I wasn't as mad at him anymore (I was too scared to be mad), but I couldn't let daddy see me kiss him, so I told him I'd see him tomorrow, and we could talk. I did tell him that I love him, though. (And I do, but I'm just confused right now.)

When I went in, my dad was right there, waiting on me. It was bad, guys. He was steaming. I've never seen him like that. But it's not his fault. I've never stayed out with a boy until 3 a.m., either. Well, except for Gordo, but he doesn't count. He kept saying, "What are you doing with a boy, that you need to be out at 3 in the morning?" My mom was sitting at the kitchen table, but she didn't say anything to interfere (or defend me). I kept telling him we didn't do anything, that I would never let a boy do anything bad with me, but it felt so much like he didn't believe me, and guys, that hurt way more than Ryan trying to get in my pants after I told him no. I mean, to see him lose faith in me, when all along, all night long, I was trying to do the right thing. And I couldn't tell daddy that I had fought Ryan off, or he'd never let us see each other again. So I started bawling. I begged him to believe me, that nothing happened, that nothing was going to happen. The worst thing in that whole night, was seeing them disappointed in me, and other than miss my curfew, I didn't do anything wrong! Guys? Did I?

He finally calmed down, but when he said he was disappointed, I just sat at the kitchen table, crying. It all ended with me being grounded, for two weeks.

No Friday nights with Lizzie and Gordo.

No band practice.

No Ryan (although he wasn't forbidding me from ever laying eyes on Ryan again, Ryan had to come over and have a long talk with all three of us before I could go out with him).

Oh, and I'll be spending Valentine's at home. My very first time to actually have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day.

Well, I guess I've really learned my lesson, huh?

Okay, Bethany and Brody are now officially an item. I can see it now, everyone in the band is gonna get hitched up.

I'm looking at you, Candy.

someone actually thought: let's make a pie, and name it after the moon

I got a package from Michael today.

He sent me this thing called a "moonpie". He says it's some kind of frosting covering these two giant wafer cookies, and they've stuffed marshmellow cream in between. This thing is like, huge. It's like, 5 inches around. I am not eating this. He says he's going to send me grits next.

Catching Up

I'm sorry, guys! I know, it's been forever since I've updated.

Gordo's mom got released yesterday, so things are a lot more settled down on that end.

We're really starting to nail things with the band. We've added "Tonight, Tonight," which is now officially my Favorite Song of All Time, and I want us to move on to "Full of Grace," cause I think Bethany could do a stunning job with it. That song was made for Bethany's voice. So everyone's job is to slide on over to her blog and convince her.

Love you, Ryan. Get some sleep!

I wanna be a card shark when I grow up

I stopped by each of Gordo's classes yesterday and collected his homework assignments, then Lizzie and I went by the hospital after school.

She wasn't as bad as I was afraid. I was worried that she would have a dozen tubes sticking out of her, but it was just this thing running under her nose, and of course, the iv that everyone gets. She was real weak, though, and you could tell that just the smile she gave us when we entered the room was an effort for her.

Gordo says that she's still coughing a lot, and she has a fever (which isn't good), but the doctor says that her other vital signs are actually improving, and that she's responding well to the antibiotics. We convinced Gordo to go to the snack bar with us, since he hadn't eaten lunch (actually, Gordo looked worse than his mom--he won't take care of himself), but even then, he wasn't going to leave the room, until his dad insisted.

We made him eat a sandwich, and afterward, he slouched in the chair, and put his head back and closed his eyes. He started telling us about how lost he felt, when his grandmother died, a couple of years ago. And how, all he could think about was how could he live, if something happened to his mom. I thought he might start to cry. I wish he would cry, but he doesn't, not ever. I've only seen him cry one time (and I'll never talk about it). I don't think he's hiding anything from us, so he can be all manly, and everything, cause I don't think he hides anything from his fellow Avengers, but I just think he won't let himself cry. And I think he'd feel a lot better, if he could, but sometimes, I don't think he can.

But anyway, when we got back to the room, Mrs. Gordon was a little bit peppier. She was arguing with Gordo's dad, telling them that she wanted them to go home and spend the night at home. She said she'd never get better, if she had to spend all her time worrying about whether her men were getting enough food and rest. We stood in support of Mrs. Gordon, in the interest of SisterHood.

So, instead of going home after the hospital, we went straight to Gordo's house, let ourselves in (we all have keys to each other's houses), and Lizzie and I cooked dinner for the Gordon men. Gordo's grandmother had taught Lizzie how to make motzah balls, and Lizzie showed me last night. We didn't make too big of a mess.

So anyway, after dinner (and I felt so...domestic...which is a nice feeling, and made me miss Ryan, but my Friday nights will always belong to Gordo and Lizzie, so Ryan will have to be patient)

Sorry, I'm doing it again. What I was trying to say is that Mr. Gordon taught Lizzie and me how to play baccarat. He also taught me how to palm a card, but then said he'd deny it, if I told anyone. So, uh, if anyone's up for a poker game next weekend, give me a buzz. Really.

Practice calls!

Oh, Coincidence of the Week: Lizzie says that Mrs. Gordon's room is right across the hall from Cody's room, last June. How weird is that?