I Know Who My Friends Are Now

A lot has happened. And I'll explain later, I promise.

Lizzie's downstairs right now. She's stn with me. She says it's because she's missed me, these last two weeks, but I think it's really because she's worried that I'll.....bljfirzrp

Okay, I have a little confession to make. A few months ago, back in early October, I had this stupid...whirlwind romance. The kind where the guy swoops in and knocks you off your feet. I met him at a football game with Mt. Carmel (no, it wasn't seenoevil), and we sort of fell for each other.

No. If I'm confessing, I should bare everything, huh? I fell for him; I guess he didn't fall for anything. I mean it's a good thing I didn't have this blog back then, or I'd have really embarrassed myself, with little hearts on every page and xxxoooxxx's on every post. I was such a naive little 16-year-old back then.

Good thing I'm a much more world-wise 16-year-old, now, huh? Gah, i feel so stupid, so...useless. I wish I could go back and erase all those crazy, idiotic posts about Ryan. I guess I could. But if i did, would this be me, now? I mean, like Lizzie says, all I am is what i've been, what i've seen, what i've done, what i've felt. No. Those posts stay. They may not be who I am today, but they're a part of me. They make me, me.

Anyway (stay on subject, Miranda), this boy from last fall, Hunter, was all I could think about. I even blew off Lizzie and Gordo for a while (I'm soooo sorry, guys, i'll never forgive myself for that), but then, when I brought him along to our big family reunion thingie for All Souls Day, he disappeared during the fireworks, and I found him at the pond, making out with my first cousin, Irasema. She's such a slut. I'll never talk to her again.

Anyway (stay on subject, dammit), that night, I was in my bedroom, sitting at the foot of my bed in my slip. I just got so depressed after that afternoon. I wanted to cry. I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. I had ignored my best friends in the history of the world, so I could spend time sucking face with a guy who couldn't care less who he was kissing, as long as they had two lips and two boobs. I felt...lost, weightless, invisible. I felt like...nothing. Like I didn't even exist. I couldn't feel anything, like I was numb all over.

So i started pinching myself, just to see if I could feel it.

And I couldn't, you know? There was nothing there. It was like dead skin. So I took a pencil from my desk and started to poke the flesh of my forearm. I didn't feel any pain, just a dull pressure. I kept pushing in with it, thinking that if I could just puncture the skin, I could feel something, and know I was alive. But the point of the pencil was too dull. It hurt, but it was just a throb, and I needed a sting. I needed something real. I went in my bathroom and slid the blade out of the razor that I use to shave my legs. I just stared at the razor for a minute, then stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror for a minute. Then I stared at my forearm, and finally, back to the blade.

I stroked the edge of the blade slowly up the length of my arm. It wasn't like I was slicing; there was no blood, or anything. It was more like I was shaving, and I did end up shaving off a bunch of hair on my arm. It was like I was in a trance. Up and down, the blade caressed my arm, over and over again. I never drew blood, but the truth is, I wanted to. I wanted to live, I wanted to know I was alive, and I thought the only way I could do that was to see the blood.

What I'd like to tell myself is that I was strong enough to fight back the temptation (I'm Miranda, the Warrior), but what I have to admit to myself every day is that I was weak enough to give in. But before I could, before I stepped over that precipice, I passed out. I came to, only about five minutes later. I guess I was lucky that I only bruised my elbow on the edge of the sink when I collapsed, and I broke two fingernails, and one of my fingers was sore, but workable.

I look back on that night, in front of my bathroom mirror, and I know that the Virgin came to me and lay me down to sleep. She was strong for me, you see, at a moment when I couldn't be, for myself. I sat in front of the toilet, and threw up. And then, I went back in my bedroom, and called Lizzie, and told her what had happened.

And ten minutes later, the two best friends in the history of the world were at my house, and I was in their arms.

We spent the night in the basement, and they never left my side. Unfortunately for us, that was a school day, but it didn't matter. We walked around like zombies, all day, but it was a good kind of zombie feeling, you know? The kind that comes with having your friends back.

So, you see, I think Lizzie has...other reasons...for spending the night with me tonight. I'm not like that, anymore, I'm really not. This time, I never lost my friends.

Of course, I'd never turn down an offer from Lizzie to spend the night.

Lizzie, Gordo: You're my forever friends. Never doubt that.

Trey, Austin, Brodie and Bethany, and especially Candy: Thank you for standing by me. You guys make me feel so valued, and important.

Ethan: I am sooooo sorry I didn't believe you, and I'm ashamed of what I said to you. Forgive me?

Hey, Miranda? Call me, please.

Austin

Posted 3/01/2005 at 1:17 AM by darkavenger