This is where you picture me laughing hysterically, as if I've just gone off the deep end.

I'll give you the good news first. We've got our first gig!

Now I'll give you the bad news. We've got our first gig!

And...oh yeah. WE DON'T HAVE A FRIGGIN' DRUMMER!

Gordo has a cousin, and she's getting married like the second, or maybe the third week, of April. And she's inviting like, 70 people for the wedding, and some of them are like attorneys, and hospital administrators, and super of education, and mayor, and yaddayadda. I mean, like, big time people, you know? And when Gordo overheard his mom talking to Bridgette's (the cousin's) mom about the wedding plans, and they hadn't been able to locate a band, well....

This could be big for us. I mean, really big. These people are constantly having sons and daughters getting married, and they spend money at the these weddings like congressmen trying to hand out money for pork barrel projects. This could make us, before we really even get started. Of course, it could break us, too.

I just got back from meeting with Bridgette and her mom (and Gordo went with me, of course, for moral support). I played a CD that we had ripped from one of our practices, and a DVD of us singing "Tonight, Tonight" and "Pretty Good Year" that Gordo had "directed" a couple of weeks ago. I know. I know. I skirted the truth by not just coming out and telling them that we don't have a drummer right now, but I just couldn't. I have a responsibility to the band, too. Besides, we'll have somebody by the middle of April, right? Right, guys?

Okay, I'm begging you now, you've GOT to tell me, if you know of a drummer.

Else, I'm just going to cackle mindlessly to myself, long into the night, at the madness that is my life.

Please? Candy'll go on a date with you...

Long and Winding Road

Okay, I think I can finally start to write about this. If you've been reading the essays, some of this won't surprise you.

Ryan is gone. He's dead to me. He's out of the band. He's out of my life. And he's not coming back, and I'm not looking back.

We had decided in the very beginning that no one could get kicked out of the band, unless we all agreed. Well, we all agreed. So, Ryan, and all the emo baggage that he brought with him, is history.

Of course, if you've been paying attention, you know that means we don't have a drummer. So unless we're going to be the world's first high school polka band to play at proms, we need a replacement, which is so screwed up, because not only do we have to find someone who's at least decent on drums (and as big a jerk as Ryan was toward me, I still have to admit he was a pretty good drummer), we'll be almost starting over again, relearning songs, unless he's just a perfect fit, and I'm running on my sentences again, aren't I?

Maybe that's a good sign, huh? Am I still the real me, run-on sentences, and all?

I'm gonna be okay, gang, okay? Really.

But back to this drummer thing. I'm going to leave Ryan's name up on my profile page, for now, cause I'm sitting there, trying to promote the band, and basically begging for gigs, and who's gonna hire us, if we don't have a drummer? But for those of you who have come this far with me, you know the real deal.

So if you know of anyone...anyone...who can pound skins, please email me. The link's over on the left. I hardly ever have the time to get on aol anymore, but I check my email obsessively.

I Know Who My Friends Are Now

A lot has happened. And I'll explain later, I promise.

Lizzie's downstairs right now. She's stn with me. She says it's because she's missed me, these last two weeks, but I think it's really because she's worried that I'll.....bljfirzrp

Okay, I have a little confession to make. A few months ago, back in early October, I had this stupid...whirlwind romance. The kind where the guy swoops in and knocks you off your feet. I met him at a football game with Mt. Carmel (no, it wasn't seenoevil), and we sort of fell for each other.

No. If I'm confessing, I should bare everything, huh? I fell for him; I guess he didn't fall for anything. I mean it's a good thing I didn't have this blog back then, or I'd have really embarrassed myself, with little hearts on every page and xxxoooxxx's on every post. I was such a naive little 16-year-old back then.

Good thing I'm a much more world-wise 16-year-old, now, huh? Gah, i feel so stupid, so...useless. I wish I could go back and erase all those crazy, idiotic posts about Ryan. I guess I could. But if i did, would this be me, now? I mean, like Lizzie says, all I am is what i've been, what i've seen, what i've done, what i've felt. No. Those posts stay. They may not be who I am today, but they're a part of me. They make me, me.

Anyway (stay on subject, Miranda), this boy from last fall, Hunter, was all I could think about. I even blew off Lizzie and Gordo for a while (I'm soooo sorry, guys, i'll never forgive myself for that), but then, when I brought him along to our big family reunion thingie for All Souls Day, he disappeared during the fireworks, and I found him at the pond, making out with my first cousin, Irasema. She's such a slut. I'll never talk to her again.

Anyway (stay on subject, dammit), that night, I was in my bedroom, sitting at the foot of my bed in my slip. I just got so depressed after that afternoon. I wanted to cry. I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. I had ignored my best friends in the history of the world, so I could spend time sucking face with a guy who couldn't care less who he was kissing, as long as they had two lips and two boobs. I felt...lost, weightless, invisible. I felt like...nothing. Like I didn't even exist. I couldn't feel anything, like I was numb all over.

So i started pinching myself, just to see if I could feel it.

And I couldn't, you know? There was nothing there. It was like dead skin. So I took a pencil from my desk and started to poke the flesh of my forearm. I didn't feel any pain, just a dull pressure. I kept pushing in with it, thinking that if I could just puncture the skin, I could feel something, and know I was alive. But the point of the pencil was too dull. It hurt, but it was just a throb, and I needed a sting. I needed something real. I went in my bathroom and slid the blade out of the razor that I use to shave my legs. I just stared at the razor for a minute, then stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror for a minute. Then I stared at my forearm, and finally, back to the blade.

I stroked the edge of the blade slowly up the length of my arm. It wasn't like I was slicing; there was no blood, or anything. It was more like I was shaving, and I did end up shaving off a bunch of hair on my arm. It was like I was in a trance. Up and down, the blade caressed my arm, over and over again. I never drew blood, but the truth is, I wanted to. I wanted to live, I wanted to know I was alive, and I thought the only way I could do that was to see the blood.

What I'd like to tell myself is that I was strong enough to fight back the temptation (I'm Miranda, the Warrior), but what I have to admit to myself every day is that I was weak enough to give in. But before I could, before I stepped over that precipice, I passed out. I came to, only about five minutes later. I guess I was lucky that I only bruised my elbow on the edge of the sink when I collapsed, and I broke two fingernails, and one of my fingers was sore, but workable.

I look back on that night, in front of my bathroom mirror, and I know that the Virgin came to me and lay me down to sleep. She was strong for me, you see, at a moment when I couldn't be, for myself. I sat in front of the toilet, and threw up. And then, I went back in my bedroom, and called Lizzie, and told her what had happened.

And ten minutes later, the two best friends in the history of the world were at my house, and I was in their arms.

We spent the night in the basement, and they never left my side. Unfortunately for us, that was a school day, but it didn't matter. We walked around like zombies, all day, but it was a good kind of zombie feeling, you know? The kind that comes with having your friends back.

So, you see, I think Lizzie has...other reasons...for spending the night with me tonight. I'm not like that, anymore, I'm really not. This time, I never lost my friends.

Of course, I'd never turn down an offer from Lizzie to spend the night.

Lizzie, Gordo: You're my forever friends. Never doubt that.

Trey, Austin, Brodie and Bethany, and especially Candy: Thank you for standing by me. You guys make me feel so valued, and important.

Ethan: I am sooooo sorry I didn't believe you, and I'm ashamed of what I said to you. Forgive me?

Don't wanna talk

So suffer through this.

You are?

[] short 5'2 and under
[x] 5'3 -5'6"
[] 5'7" - 6'0
[] tall 6'2 and up

[] blonde
[] red
[] brown
[] dirty blonde/brownish
[x] dark brown
[x] black

[] blue-eyed
[x] brown-eyed
[] green-eyed
[] hazel eyed
[] gold/gray-eyed
[] silver/gray- eyed
[] blue/green-eyed
[] blue/gray-eyed
[] they change colors

[] glasses
[] contacts
[x] neither

[] short hair
[x] medium
[] long hair

Your favorite color(s) are?
[x] red
[] khaki
[] pink
[x] hot pink
[] (light)yellow
[x] black
[] green
[x] lime green
[x] blue
[] white
[] turquoise
[x] silver
[] purple
[] brown
[] orange
[] grey
[] maroon
[x] gold
[x] navy blue
[] clear
[] don't really care

Some things you've done?
[] ice skating
[x] hiking
[] kayaking
[x] rafting
[x] water skiing
[x] camping
[x] horseback riding
[] surfing
[] skim/wake boarding
[] snowboarding
[] skiing
[x] skateboarding
[] cheerleading
[] lacrosse
[] street hockey
[] gymnastics
[x] martial arts
[] bmx
[] baton twirling
[x] scuba diving (does snorkeling count?)
[x] dance

Your personality is sometimes?
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[] laid back
[] strict
[] hyper
[] weird
[] ditzy
[x] sarcastic
[] slow

You can stand listening to?
[x] pop
[] country
[x] classical
[] techno
[x] oldies
[] opera
[x] reggae (some)
[x] emo
[x] 80's
[] disco
[] rap
[x] rock

The pets you have had?
[x] cat
[x] dog
[] lizard
[] rat
[] ferret
[x] bunny/rabbit
[x] fish
[] duck
[] horse
[] bird
[] frog
[] hermit crab
[] prairie dog
[] turtle
[x] hamster
[] snake
[] gerbil
[] guinea pig
[] pig
[] goat
[] chipmunk
[] mouse
[] chinchilla
[] tarantula
[] geese
[] chicken
[] none

Clothing Brands you like?
[] Delia's
[x] American Eagle
[x] Hollister
[x] Buckle
[x] Abercrombie & Fitch
[] Target
[] Wal-mart
[] Wet Seal
[] O'neil
[x] PacSun
[x] Aeropostale
[x] Dickies
[x] Quicksilver/ Roxy
[] Anchor Blue
[x] Guess
[] Lucky
[x]Gap
[] Hot Topic
[] Champs
[x] salvation army/goodwill
[] Lip Service
[x] If I like it I'll wear it
[x] Old Navy
[] Only name brand
[] Don't give a darn
[] 99 cents stores
[x] Forever 21

Shoe Brands?
[x] Nike
[] Jordan
[] Adidas
[] Reebok
[x] Converse
[] K Swiss
[x] Steve Madden
[] Vans
[x] If I like something I'll buy it no matter what brand
[x] New Balance
[] LEI
[x] Payless

States you have been to?
[] Alabama
[] Alaska
[x] Arizona
[] Arkansas
[x] California
[x] Colorado
[] Connecticut
[] Delaware
[x] D.C.
[x] Florida
[] Georgia
[] Hawaii
[] Idaho
[] Illinois
[] Indiana
[] Iowa
[] Kansas
[] Kentucky
[] Louisiana
[] Maine
[x] Maryland
[] Massachusetts
[] Michigan
[] Minnesota
[] Mississippi
[] Missouri
[] Montana
[] Nebraska
[x] Nevada
[] New Hampshire
[] New Jersey
[] New Mexico
[x] New York
[] North Carolina
[] North Dakota
[] Ohio
[] Oklahoma
[x] Oregon
[] Pennsylvania
[] Rhode Island
[] South Carolina
[] South Dakota
[] Tennessee
[x] Texas
[] Utah
[] Vermont
[x] Virginia
[x] Washington
[] West Virginia
[] Wisconsin
[] Wyoming

Your confessions:
[] I'm afraid of the quiet
[xxx] I'm really ticklish
[] I'm afraid of the dark
[x] I've collected comic books
[xxx] I shut others out when I'm sad
[] I open up to others easily
[x] I read the news sometimes
[x] I love Disney
[x] I am a sucker for eyes
[] I don't kill bugs
[] I have "x"s in my screen name
[] I bake well
[x] I have worn pajamas to class
[] I love Martha Stewart
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS sometimes
[x] I am self-conscious
[x] I love to laugh.
[] I drink alcohol on a regular basis
[] I have tried a cigarette
[] I can't swallow pills
[] I bite my nails
[] I play computer games when I'm bored
[x] Gone out in public in my pajamas
[] made out in an elevator
[] been skydiving
[x] been bungee jumping
[] bitten someone, play around kind
[x] dressed up like a guy/girl
[] been fired
[] been skinny dipping

Have you ever?
[] stolen a sign
[x] danced in the rain
[x] seen a star
[] proposed to anyone
[x] gotten stitches
[x] eaten Sushi..
[x] gotten the chicken pox
[x] ridden in a taxi
[x] been on a cruise ship
[] driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] been on a Plane by yourself
[x] had surgery
[x] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[x] been on stage
[x] peed somewhere other than a toilet
[] gotten a black eye
[] watched an entire baseball game on TV

My mom came up to my bedroom twice last night, to tell me that Ryan was on the phone, but I stayed under the covers, and didn't even roll over. He's called three more times, so far today. I don't know what's going on, but I can't talk to him, right now.

I finally got out of bed this morning, and took a shower, but then I just put on a fresh pair of pj's. I've pretty much stayed in my room all day, just sitting on the bed, playing the guitar, and trying to write.

My dad poked his head in about an hour ago, and said that they could go ahead and end my grounding tonight, and I could go out, if I wanted to, but I just shook my head, and played.

It's a long lonely road
Where do I go?
Looking for someplace that feels like home
Been searchin' so long
Where did I go wrong?
Maybe the answer's somewhere beyond

The stars in the sky
And who knows why

hook here

We all fall down
Life's taking its toll
It's all out of control
Yeah we all fall down
It's my dignity that's saving me tonight

As I walk through this maze
Is this just a phase
Will all my tomorrows be this way?
The night is so black
In front and in back
Sometimes it's so dark and you don't know where you're at

Like a star way up high
Droppin' out of the sky

hook here

bridge:

Lift me up
So I can see
Outside of me
And what could be
A different life