Someone keeps sending me filthy text messages on my cell. I don't recognize the number, but Candy told me you got a new phone, so I know it's you, Ryan. It has to be you, cause you're the only psycho I've given my number to.

Just leave me alone, Ryan. I don't want to hear it, and I don't want to deal with you. Why don't you find some freshman who's looking for a god to worship to be your floormat? I'm sure you can get all the bj's you want from Brittany. I don't care. But leave. me. alone.

Sorry, guys, that everyone had to sit through that, but he's...Ryan is very calculating. He's just trying to stress me out, over this drummer thing, and I had to let off steam, somehow. I aplogize. I'll be better tomorrow. I promise.

So, I'm posting this from Lizzie's house, where we return to our traditional Friday night pigouts, for the first time in four weeks. Lizzie and I spent the entire first movie, Elektra (Gordo's choice, of course), teasing Gordo about his newfound sweetie.

taptaptap

Noooo. I'm talking about Vanessa, not me. I told you. That was a spur-of-the-moment deal. I would have kissed the Elephant Man, if he'd been sitting next to me. Gah! I have gotten more grief about that than I did when I almost lost my top at Water World last year.

Can't stay, it's my turn, and I'm trying pancakes. Write me lots of essays. But nothing embarrassing.

Sorry, I haven't updated, but there really hasn't been that much to talk about.

Until today.

Gordo and I went to meet again with Mrs. Lerner (Bridgette's mom). She started out by reminding us that we were not her first choice of a band. In fact, we wouldn't even have been her second choice, if the choice was hers. But half the band that they had originally signed was busted by INS for being illegal, and in any case, Bridgette was insisting on our band. I looked toward Gordo at that comment. I had to believe this wasn't just coincidence, that Gordo had played some role in our getting this gig. But Gordo was ignoring me, focusing all his attention on his aunt. She showed us pictures of where the reception was being held, and I showed her the lyrics of the the songs we were proposing performing. She responded by giving us a list of nineteen (19!!!) songs that she wanted us to play (which meant LEARN). But, hey, comes with the territory, I guess.

She said, "I wanted a more traditional selection, but Bridgette is simply determined to do this her way, and Arthur and I have decided to just let it be her day."

"I understand," I said diplomatically, but I really didn't understand anything.

Then she said, "Now, let's discuss finances," and I froze.

How stupid could I be? I had been so uptight about getting Mrs. Lerner to agree to use us, niggling over the tiny little details, that I had completely overlooked thinking about how much we should charge. Then I remembered something that Ryan had said one day several weeks ago, after practice. "If we can't get seven hundred for a gig, it's probably not worth our time."

Then Brody had said, "Well, whatever we get is what we get. Seven would be nice, but sometimes it's gonna be six, or even five. Just depends on the customer."

And Ryan said, "I'm just saying five split seven ways is less than seventy-five dollars apiece. We just spent six months working for seventy-five bucks? I can't even take my baby out, for seventy-five bucks." And he looked at me, and grinned, and the memory of that grin almost made me toss, in front of Mrs. Lerner. But then, he said, "If Miranda's any good, she'll get at least seven for us." Brody just shrugged, but even then, back when I loved him with all my heart, I had wondered, "How could he say that?"

I wanted to ask for seven. I really did. But I panicked. What if that was way out of line from what she expected? Could I allow an offhand comment by Ryan to goad me into making a big mistake? She could say that she changed her mind, and would be going in another direction. We could lose this gig, and I don't think the guys in the band would say anything, but I would sure think it; that I let them down. Just me. So at the last moment, I backed down and said, "I think...six would be, um, sufficient."

She pursed her lips at that, and said, "Really." She cleared her throat. "Well, frankly, I just have to wonder if your band is quite experienced enough for that much. I had thought a little closer to four, would be appropriate." She arched her eyebrows at me when she said "four."

I thought that was a little bit less than I had hoped for, to split among seven band members. That was even less than Brody thought. What would Brody think, of how I was screwing this up, screwing the band over? And Candy? But, still, it was our first time, and if we proved ourselves, things would take care of themselves, right? Or would the guys be disappointed in me?

So I paused for what I thought was an appropriate length, screwed up my courage and said, "I understand. But we really need at least five." I smiled nervously in Gordo's direction. "Anything for Gordo." Hell, I'd give up my share of the split. It was no big deal, in return for the opportunity.

"Hmp," she pouted, then "Oh, very well. Five. Now, of course, you'll get two breaks, and all the food and champagne you want."

"Um," Gordo spoke up. "Too young for champagne, Aunt Phyllis."

"Oh, don't be silly, David," she waved him off. "This is a special occasion. These things don't apply."

I could just hear Trey, then. Yeah. Don't be silly, David.

Just then, Mrs. Lerner's husband entered the living room. "Dear, have you seen my cuff links?"

"On your dresser, dear."

He was backing out of the living room, when he recognized me. "Oh! More arrangements for the wedding, I see."

"Yes, sir," I said.

"We were just finishing up, Arthur," Mrs. Lerner said as she stood up, and Gordo and I followed her lead. "Oh! I've just remembered. I'm meeting the maid of honor for her fitting at 4:30." All four of us were walking together through the house to the front foyer.

"You're not letting my wife negotiate you into the poor house, are you?" Mr. Lerner asked me.

"No, sir," I assured him. "She's being very fair."

"You'd be very proud of me, Arthur. I've found a band for five thousand dollars."

I froze in my walk to the front door, and almost lost my balance on the heels I was wearing.

Five.

Dollars.

"Five!" Mr. Lerner said. "I would have thought a band would set us back at least seven."

"Well, that's why I'm doing the negotiating for the family, Arthur," she reminded him. "You'd let this ravishing young lady walk all over you."

I grabbed Gordo's wrist in a death grip as he passed by me. "Gordo!" I whispered, in shock. "I can't move. Help me walk?" Gordo very graciously walked me through the front door. His car was waiting at the foot of the steps. "We'll uh...be in touch," he waved to his aunt and uncle.

"Yes, David," she agreed, while checking her purse for her car keys. "And Bridgette thanks you again. And, Miranda, dear? I'm sure Bridgette will be very happy with your band." She stressed "Bridgette." I caught her point.

Gordo had to open the door for me, and then help me turn and sit in the car. He then went around to his side, and climbed in. He slammed his door, put the key in the ignition, and then turned toward me. "Wow. Five thou--"

And before he could utter another syllable, I reached across to him, grabbed him roughly by the lapels of his shirt and violently tugged him to my side of the seat, where I kissed him.

Full on the lips.

I don't know why I did it; didn't know then. I wasn't thinking, just...instinct. We were both stunned by it. We both knew it didn't mean anything, I was just in shock. It just lasted a second. More like half a second. But when I released the kiss, I didn't release him, and I didn't apologize. I continued to grip his shirt tightly, and shook him a little bit, as I said, "Gordo, I have got to get a drummer."

"Yeah," he breathed quickly, his eyes bigger than I had ever seen them. "You really, really do."

And other than that, nothing much happened today.

Weekends are my composing time

True to Me

I never believed in the word lonely
Even when I found myself all alone
I never needed someone else to want me
To make me feel wanted
"Cause deep inside I've always known
Who I am
All I am is

[hook here; Brody, help? something almost orchestral, sweeping, you know?]

True to me
Faithfully
In a world where lies can let you down
I pick myself up off the ground
'Cause I'm true to me
Honestly
I've wrestled with conformity
And all that I can be is true to me

I always believed what people told me
Everyone tells you what you want to hear
I always thought that someone else would save me
But you can only save yourself
And nothing's ever been so clear
Like an open road
I call my own

[hook]

And it feels like
The sun is here
The sky is clear
And there's nothing but the smell of the rain
That's come and gone

[hook]

We had that party for Gordo today, at Lizzie's. Gordo's the first of us to reach the big 1-7, so I guess I'll be going to him every day for worldly advice, now, lol.

I gave him two leather carrying cases, one for his camcorder and another for his new laptop that he got from his parents, and I also gave him a kind of naughty birthday card, which you shall not be reading here.

Lizzie gave him a script from "On the Waterfront," SIGNED by Elia Kazan. I don't how she found it, and it had to set her back every penny she's made at those doctor's offices, but it was the...perfect...gift, which is no less than you could expect, from Lizzie. Still, if I know Gordo, the gift from Lizzie that he really cherished was the kiss on the cheek.

Oh, which reminds me. Vanessa was there, too, pretty much hanging on his arm. They look nice together, and it's obvious they're becoming...devoted...to each other. All of which, of course, makes me insanely jealous.

She really is sweet, and kinda deep, for a sophomore. Which I guess makes her a good match for Gordo. But I'm still jealous :pout:

C.J., clowning around at the party

Austin gave me a ride home, after the party
Isn't his car just...gorgeous?